Wednesday, September 2, 2015

nine.

I remember tears streaming down my face begging you not to leave.
I remember the sun shining in the windows and I remember thinking that it was insane that there was any brightness in this world.
I remember people passing by like their lives hadn't just been turned upside down. Their hearts hadn't been broken into a million different shards of pain.
I remember asking God what I did that would deserve this.
Why would He take you away from us? Why?
I bargained, oh, the many bargains I shouted out in desperation of having you back.
If you weren't staying here, then I didn't want to, either. Your crib was ready. Your clothes hung in the closet. Your car seat already in the car. WE were ready.

But we weren't, were we?

God knew we weren't ready, and nine years later, i still have no idea why. But I know that there was a reason, and a purpose, and I'll be still and know that you are here. And one day, I will have you back in my arms again, and everything will be known.

There will always be days that tears run down my cheeks, missing you. When a child dies, INFINITE possibilities die with them. And with those possibilities go infinite adventures, journeys, and life. I may have only known you for a small blink of time, but I MISS YOU. I miss the picnics in the park we never had. I miss your first days of school. I miss daddy running behind you as you learn to ride your bike. I miss the way you and your siblings play. I miss teaching you to drive. I miss watching you play outside. I miss your graduation. I miss your wedding. I miss your wife and children. I MISS you. I miss you with so much of me that it will never heal. It will never go away. Even 9 years later. I miss you.

But.

The sun still shines in my windows every morning, and I greet him like an old friend. A friend that was there before, and was there during, and will be there always. Shining. And I know you're there with the sunshine. And even on the darkest days, the sun will be there again soon if we just wait.

And people will ALWAYS be walking by like nothing happened. And I know that when things destroy us, that the world doesn't stop and wait for you. The world keeps going whether you lay there, face down on the floor or not. It's just gonna keep on turning. And the only thing that slows are the ones that stop, pull you up, dust you off, and walk beside you, holding your head on their shoulders.

And God didn't take you back because of my sins or anyone else's. He needed you. More than we did. Emma used to tell us you had to help pour the rain from the heavens. And the wisdom from that little 3 year old's heart was what helped us through it all. Not a SINGLE rainfall goes by without this momma, face up, eyes closed, smiling, picturing my little boy pouring rain down onto us. Even if it's just a thought, a wish, to touch something you touched in another world, it's incredible.

And I still want to be where you are. I'm making sure I will be one day. And I'm making sure we ALL will be there one day, to hug you and kiss you and hold you forever and ever.

Do you miss us? Do you hear me every morning when i run? Talking to you? Thanking God for all He has given us, and for taking care of you, sweet boy? Do you visit us?

I used to dream about the Mirror if Erised daily. This is the mirror that Harry Potter found in Hogwarts. It was said to show the deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts. Some people saw themselves in a powerful position, rich, or happy. Harry, who lost his parents, saw them in that mirror, standing beside him. It was said that the happiest person in the world would look in the mirror and see a reflection of themselves, just as they are. I know what I would see, and I know that I would become one of the wizards that wasted away, just looking into that mirror. Just watching the 5 of us together. All day long. Would I ever be able to see just me? Probably not. But that is being a mother, I think. Your heart goes in pieces, one in each child, and it's never whole again, really.

But nine years later, we have more faith than we ever did before.
We are stronger.
We cherish EVERY moment in our lives.
We take NOTHING for granted.
We know we are never alone.
and we know we can do ANYTHING, no matter how scary or hard.

So, Happy Birthday, little one. You are so special. You are so loved.
Your balloons will be there soon after school, as always.

Love, Mommy Pin It

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