Monday, September 23, 2013

Running Ramblings & Big, Fat, Hungry Caterpillars

I really should make a whole separate tab for these running ramblings, as they are so bizarre on their own that I'm not sure my kids would enjoy reading them one day, realizing their mother may have been a bit mad, but then again, I guess i never claimed to be all that normal anyhow, right?

I'll start with some background here. the einsteins rebuilt their tree tent yesterday and up went also a sign that said "Insect Hospital". From the pages of their nature journals, I could tell that especially Em was really digging the whole bug observing thing, and we've been finding different bugs since, so this was no surprise to me. I had found them a wasp of a blue color. It was really gorgeous. Had nice proportions, im guessing close to Pam Anderson or Dolly Parton, around 5mm chest, 1mm waist and 8mm butt. But whose counting anyway, right? As Em observed her, she found that two of her legs were not whole, and one was "shaking" on and off, so thus started the hospital for injured insects that obviously they would not touch, but by golly, they would observe them back to health! Can I get an amen?

(please note, the doctors have butterflies "riding" on their shirts because they are so thankful for the healing powers...

So as i collect specimens for them throughout the morning, among a blue-tailed skink that drops the tail when you touch it and, no, you canNOT glue it back on!!, the blue wasp with her broken legs, and a couple ants, theyre really loving it and i wish i were noah, and i could call all the insects (that i wanted to call, that is) and they would come, two by two, for the einsteins to collect and draw and observe and heal and send back to whence they came, but those powers i have not, so i just went along my day.

This morning as they left for school, they told me to be on the lookout for any new patients for the hospital, and i told them i would. and heres where the story gets good, and Katrina, you can go ahead and forward this part on to Jesse now. ;)

I went on my morning run. It wasnt going to be very long, seeing as how my IT bands have decided to surprise attack me on random runs, so i laced up and headed out. i couldnt find my arm band, or the twenty others that have gone missing before it, so i had to take my beautiful turquoise one that, at its smallest setting, could serve as a loose garter belt. today, my friends, i would be carrying the band like a water bottle. (which, actually, i prefer to do on short runs anyway). off i go!

About half a mile in, though, i see it. a big, fat, hungry caterpillar running? squinching? blobbing? across the road. First thought: good LORD that is gonna make a HUGE splatter when it gets hit! (which is also the reason i cant eat shrimp - the texture reminds me of eating a big fat insect that pops. #WeirdFactsAboutHeidi)
Second thought: I should save him.
Third thought: Oh geez. I HAVE to save him for the insect hospital!
Fourth thought: I have a wayyyyyys to go on this run still.....
Fifth thought: Theyll never know... (little red Heidi with pitchfork and Brooks in candy apple red says)
Sixth thought: shit.

I pick the thing up, and it contorts in my pincer grip. Im waiting for the combative poop or barf that usually accompanies creatures as such, but it never came. It just wiggled and felt nasty. I finally decided that it would be better if i just put the thing in my fist. 

ummm, no.

it started like, trying to bury itself in my sweaty finger cracks! oh my GOSH it was disgusting! I ran past little old Nelly Faye on her porch (have i told you about her? Another day, perhaps) and was glad she cant see well enough to see the look of sheer disgust and panic on my face. and thats when the running ramblings arrived. and they went a little something like this...
(and, as a warning, just so you about 5% sure i didnt use potty words in this episode...)

if this thing poops on me, i cant wash my hands for at least a mile. ill have poop smeared all over my hand AND the caterpillar for EVER!! what if it digs into my flesh?!? can it live inside my skin?? what if its n alien pod and its going to dig in, immediately crawl into my brain, turning me into a zombie of sorts that LOOKS like me, but is actually being controlled by the little creature in my brain (thinking Krang, here), and for that matter, how MANY Krangs are there ALREADY walking around that we have no IDEA about?!?! Or what if im ALREADY a krang and i dont know it and this is like a, replacement krang because mine is so old hes going to die soon and good lord if i poop out an old looking caterpillar im going to KNOW it was old krang! but then, would i really know, because if i AM a krang, i wouldnt be freaking out about this, right? oh man, im glad that no one can hear me in here. uh oh, theres kristy. shes going to wonder why im running past her with a fist! shes going to think im going to punch her! runner on runner violence! maybe if i just wave with a friendly fist! try it! here we go! (fist wave) oh shit, now shes going to think i was making a mad fist shake at her! or maybe not. maybe she thinks i was all arsenio hall-ish, being that im probably old enough to pull that off, right? OH MY GOD IT JUST BIT ME! ITS GOING IN! MAYDAY MAYDAY! ALIEN TAKEOVER!! oh, it was just its nasty clawlike feet trying to climb me. nevermind. hmm, no wonder my husband and kids say i overreact to things. good thing they cant hear me now..

it actaully went on for awhile. for over a MILE after that. a MILE with that squirming, fat, hungry caterpillar clutched in my sweaty fist like Lenny and his mouse. (do you get that reference, people? you MUST read the grapes of wrath. You MUST). 

So i get the chubby guy home safely, snap a couple pics of him just in case he evolves into a crysalis before they return home (dont laugh - its totally happened) and dumped him into the critter cage. 
There was no poop or barf OR tunnels into the depths of my hand bones. all was okay.

pink polka dots - not bad, mister God, not bad! :)

cell phone cameras are almost TOO good now. Thanks, apple, for giving me a complex about my arms maybe being too hairy? LOL

do you know this chubby friend of mine? what he will be?
help a blogger out!


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  1. We don't have anything here that is even close to that. Wow! You are THE mama. I don't know that I could've done that. Check

  2. Still don't know, eh? That is the fattest, funkiest looking critter I've ever seen!

    1. Actually, I am still waiting on "official" word back from a couple sites i emailed, but we *think* it's a LUNA MOTH! Crazy!!


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