Wednesday, August 14, 2013

There was an old lady...

...and that old lady decided to run one evening instead of the morning, because, well you know, stuff happened and with it being August and all, perhaps the threat of june bugs had passed, and it was to be a nice evening, and maybe, just maybe, my hubby would get to run alongside me. But that old lady ended up going alone because the black cat manor needed more work and as she ran with her mouth gasping for air like a fish outta water, she SWALLOWED A FIREFLY. Oh yes, I couldnt make this stuff up, folks.
I swallowed a firefly.
Now, had you been watching from inside your house, you'd see a gal in day-glow yellow running perfectly on pace with the running version of "That Snail is Fast" from the TURBO movie (which, by the way, YES.), when allofasudden, she grabs her throat, her eyes pop out far enough to shock a pug, and screaming commences while her legs suddenly go insane, trying to both run at once and not at all, followed by some stumbling, and if you were lucky enough to be watching from the house directly next to me, you see me trip into your ditch, fall onto one hand, do that weird, run with big steps while almost falled down thing, gather myself again, and keep running on, muttering.
It would have been a brilliant show. BRILLIANT. 
(Had it not happened to me.) 

But, as it were, I was the lucky one. I was perfectly pacing my steps with that song. It was going to be great. I mean, after all, you can't help but be inspired by a fast snail, no? I was panting like a dog at this point, lap 2 usually has me barely lifting my feet, but i was bearing down for the long haul, when, out of the blue, I see a bright light heading right towards me. It wasn't a car, and it wasn't God, but by the time I realized what it was, it was already in the back of my throat. I tried to cough it out, but it was stuck to the dry, sticky flesh at the back of my mouth. "I'll swallow and it'll wet my mouth, and I'll SPIT the darn thing out!", I thought, but obviously, that was one of those ideas that proves to yourself that under fire, you'd totally fail. I had swallowed the firefly.
Commence the screams.
I can no longer concentrate on my steps. There were left on their own like a stagecoach with two horses that wanted to go different directions. Ah well, it doesnt matter. I'll probably die here anyway. They'll call 911 when they find me, but no one will bother to tell my family. They'll see that my throat is glowing green and suspect alien activity. they'll send me off to area 51 and no one will ever know where I went. I'll be a star on the ID channel because I went missing in a nice hood in a safe town one nice evening. 
Even if I DO survive, I'll probably get some weird disease that makes me glow and I'll be shunned from society for life, but ah well. Whatever. (and besides, arent fireflies ENDANGERED?!!? Pretty sure i could be arrested for killing an endangered species...)
I make it home all but for 10 seconds or so when my IT band got so bad I had to stop, since the catbus nor the nightbus came from their fairytales to fetch me. 
I won't run in the evenings again. No, sir. 
The dangers are too great.

So, on to other adorable randomness...
Here's the new 5 year old zippin around while I mowed the lawn.



That otta get you through the day with some warm fuzzies. 
Have a great week!


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2 comments:

  1. God thought you needed extra protein. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I would have paid good money to watch you swallow that bug!

    ReplyDelete

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