Thursday, September 2, 2010

Learning the hard way

In every lifetime, there comes one of those "moments". The moment you found God, the moment you found yourself, the moment you found that special someone.
4 years ago, my moments came, one by one, yet all together. The moment I realized what was important, the moment I realized who my true friends were, and the moment I stopped taking life for granted.
It was 4 years ago that I looked into those blue eyes that were so beautiful blue, it put the heavens to shame, as he told me that our son had passed away. It was like a sick joke. Like nature's way of easing pain. A cobra's dance hypnotizing you before the strike, the seduction of a praying mantis before she kills you. Those beautiful bluer-than-blue eyes, calming me, hypnotizing me before the breath was taken right out of my chest.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am, there's nothing..."

I can still see them when I close my eyes. I've never seen eyes that blue since then. I can smell the hospital room, and hear the other little babies crying out with the first breath of air, calmed only by their mommies. I can still hear the blips of heartbeat machines all around me, though our room's machine had long since gone still, flat, and I'm sure had they hooked it up to mine, it would have been the same still.

"His heart isn't beating. I'm sorry..."

Time is supposed to heal all wounds, and it does, but only if you measure time by death. Wounds this deep, this fresh, even 4 years later, don't heal. They just wait. Until death do you part.

"Take all the time you need with him..."
All the time?? There IS no more time?!? Are you crazy??

God works in mysterious ways. And I have faith that one day, I'll know all the answers, but until then, I know that I was blessed. That every day I am blessed. I held my child as he was sent back to heaven. Just God. and me. Together. I was a surrogate for Him, and for that, I am truly grateful. That tiny little boy, with my dad's eyes and my mom's cheeks, his daddy's nose and mommy's toes, was perfect.
Perfect in every.

"We don't know why..."
But you're DOCTORS!!

And we were put on Earth to become perfect. He had nothing to learn here. He was already...perfect.
So off to heaven he went.

Heaven as blue as those eyes

Blue eyes cold as ice. Cryptic, but alluring.

I learned then, that family is #1. Not money, or status, or cars. We moved back to Oklahoma to be close to those we love, and who love us back.
I learned that there were people who I thought were my best friends, who turned out to be nothing even close, and some who were quietly there, were the closest to family I had.
 I learned that through Christ, all things are possible. All things.
I learned that the world doesn't stop spinning to wait for you. You either get back up, or you get left behind.
And I learned that I am stronger than I ever knew I was.

God only gives you tests you can pass...

It's been 4 years, and I've grown SO much since then.
SO much.
So, thank you, oh Father,
for the blessings you have bestowed upon me and my family,
for we are eternally grateful,
and we will be united again soon,
in the kingdom of everlasting love.

Happy Birthday, Eli!
May all the glories of the heavens rain down on you today, as always, and may the kisses and hugs on balloons and on the wind, reach you with warmth and love!
We love you!

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  1. Heidi,
    I don't tell you this often enough, but your blog is truly inspirational. I look forward to seeing it. I couldn't even imagine going what you went through, but I do know that God would have to be there for you to be even able to live through something like that. I couldn't do it with my own weakness....

  2. Thank you, Jessica. I never would have thought I could have lived through it either. God gives us strength...

  3. I'm so sorry :( We haven't had kids yet, but my older sister was murdered in 1994 when she was 25yrs old and in 2006 my nephew was killed at 21 months old. I've seen my Sissy's killer executed and sat at a conference table with my nephew's killer as he begged a judge to parole him b/c his life is being interrupted for 15-23 years. From those losses, I've learned that the pain never quite goes away, but that God uses it to force my roots to grow deeper into Him and to give more of myself to Him daily. Some good has come from my losses: God used them to teach me to forgive the way He forgives: put it under the Blood. Christ's sacrifice is the payment, and it's good enough for God the Father. Who am I that it would be not good enough for me? I have my moments of bitterness, but bitterness has never served me at all. God will strengthen you, keep you, and help you. At my lowest, He showed me that the most beautiful roses any gardener can hope to grow are only possible b/c of the fertilizer/manure they grow through. I don't know if that encourages you or if I just sound like some crazy lady, but I'm praying for y'all.


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